Will This Actress GM Let You Perform Your Masterpiece?
The 2025 NFL Scouting Combine kicks off tomorrow, meaning we're about to witness 300+ draft prospects run, jump, and get scrutinized down to the millimeter like they're auditioning for the goddamn Avengers. My girlfriend (who also happens to be the Executive Editor of this blog) never fails to hit me with, "Why are you watching 60 hours of men in underwear?" And every year, I patiently explain:
"The road to the Super Bowl begins in the draft room."
Don't believe me? Ask your friends whose teams draft well yearly—Ravens, Chiefs, Eagles, Packers, Rams. And then there's us, the ones who have to watch our team burn to the fucking ground every season, picking in the top 10 like it's our birthright. You know who you are.
Now, let's talk about yesterday's press conference. You know the one.
The Actress GM's Latest Performance
Don't worry if you missed it; I'll save you the trouble. It was the same tired word salad we've been force-fed for three years:
"Preparation week in, week out."
"The staff is working hard."
"Energy in the room."
"Progress."
Blah, blah, fucking blah.
The best part? He had the nerve to challenge the Bears' football operations department (which, by the way, remains untouched despite a glorious 14-36 record under his reign) to be "the best in the world."
I nearly spit out my drink. Best in the world? What the fuck are you talking about? You're not even the best in your own division. The team you built is a walking catastrophe. You handpicked the coach, the staff, and the players, and now you're acting like some innocent bystander?
What exactly have you been doing for the past three years? Buying soda or building a football team?
Oh, but now it's all going to be different? This year.
The Same Old Script Shit
The "little bitch" dig he took at the ex-head coach he hired made this press conference even better. A guy his own players claimed to support until they turned on him faster than Piggy in Lord of the Flies.
This GM reminds me of that one guy in your office who talks all kinds of shit at the corporate softball game, but when you confront him at the bar five hours later, suddenly, he's either silent or running to HR.
A grown-ass man throwing shade at a coach that he brought in, knowing damn well he had zero real power. We all know McCaskey and that Pimp President made the call. What a fucking bitch move.
Enter Ben Johnson
Look, I'll be honest. Ben Johnson wasn't my first pick. But after watching his interviews? I like the guy. There's a confidence and poise to him that feels real. And I was even more impressed when he kept his cool while the media tried baiting him with dumbass fucking questions about trading for Myles Garrett, Micah Parsons, or drafting a running back in the first round.
You know those reporters don't even believe that shit. They're just Pavlov's dogs, asking whatever nonsense their producers told them would get clicks.
If this blog had press credentials at the combine, I wouldn't waste time with that garbage if we were sitting on press row. I'd ask The Actress GM one question:
"Mr. Poles (because I'm being civil), this team has been a dumpster fire since you took the job. We're heading into year four. You have a 14-36 record. You handpicked the personnel and drafted players who have made zero significant impact. Why should Bears fans, the media, and the city of Chicago believe a single thing you say?"
That's it. No fluff. It's just a straight-up, grown-man question.
What “Real GMs” Say
I watched some of the other GM interviews yesterday. Do you know what? The ones who won weren't spewing vague motivational quotes. They were talking about actual football:
"Complementary football wins games."
"Getting the right players in the right spots."
"I need to be better to put these guys in better positions at the end of the season."
That's how teams like the Chiefs, Ravens, and Eagles keep winning. They understand why they're successful.
Meanwhile, we've got a GM who sounds like he's auditioning for a TED Talk.
Who's Really in Charge?
As I said before, Ben Johnson seems like a sharp football mind. Great resume. Smart. Disciplined. Loves the game. And so far, he's put together a solid staff.
But here's the real question: Will this dysfunctional ownership group let him actually run the team?
Because I'm getting serious "Jimmy Johnson/Jerry Jones" vibes here. If you were born with an iPhone in your crib, let me educate you: Back in the early '90s, Jimmy Johnson built the Dallas Cowboys into a dynasty. But because Jerry Jones wanted credit, he ran Johnson out of town. And to this day, Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith, and Michael Irvin are still pissed about it.
Now, I'm not saying Ben Johnson is Jimmy Johnson. But he's got the tools to be a great coach.
Will the Bears let him buy his own groceries and cook his own meal?
Or will George McCaskey piss in it?
We'll find out on draft night. The stage is set, Mr. Johnson. I hope you're ready to shine.
As of Today, the Chicago Bears are valued at approximately $6.4 billion.
We're waiting…
