Bro, 9 More Weeks of This Shit?
Are you fucking serious?
Cardinals 29, Bears 9
This was a disaster from the opening kickoff. Let me get this straight: you’re the ninth richest franchise in the NFL, and you can’t bench Tyrique Stevenson after last week’s god-awful “Fail Mary”? Instead, he storms off the practice field like a toddler mid-tantrum. What do the actress GM, the coach, the president, and the McCaskeys do? Sit him for the first seven minutes like it’s some half-ass high school punishment, then send him out there like he’s Deion Sanders reincarnated. This guy wasn’t even a top prospect coming out of the draft—don’t believe me? Check his draft profile. Yet here we are, fucking coddling him like a Disney actor.
Bench him? Nope. Cut him? Don’t even dream about it. They’re not that smart. Do you think Belichick would let this fly? Sean Payton? Hell, if Ditka were coaching, Stevenson would’ve been launched out the nearest window by now.
Then there’s Eberlose and his coaching circus—word salads and a backbone made of shit. And don’t even get me started on what we’ve been watching week after week. Painful doesn’t even begin to cover it. It’s like watching a train wreck you can’t look away from, except it happens every Sunday.
Where the hell is the defense, Eberlose? You’re supposed to be a defensive guru, right? So, how do you give up 70 yards in 22 seconds at the end of the half? And then come out of halftime with an interview so full of gibberish that even Evan Washburn was probably thinking, “Bro, what the fuck are you even saying?” It’s like watching a live-action meme, except nobody’s laughing. Meanwhile, our offensive and defensive lines are about as effective as trying to push a wall with a bubble wand: no power, no push, just air.
And the tight-end situation—does that even exist in our playbook? You have a stud in Kmet, and you use him like he’s a blanket throw. Pure fucking genius.
Poor Caleb. I wasn’t even on the Caleb train during the draft (I was all about Jayden Daniels or Michael Pennix Jr.), but this kid deserves a chance. He’s getting destroyed out there. Running for his life, overthrowing, misreading—what do you expect when the guy has no protection? Six sacks today, and he’s melting before our eyes. It’s a week after another painful performance, and the kid’s already showing signs of trauma.
Meanwhile, on the Cardinals’ sideline—who ran us over all day and just took us fucking apart—they’re smiling and high-fiving fans with eight minutes left in the game. Our bench? It’s a funeral procession. Where is the attitude? Where’s the situational football, Eberlose? This guy can’t spell “situational,” let alone coach it. We haven’t started a game fast all season—not once. Not even close.
And here’s the real gut punch: remember all these recent shit teams, like Arizona, Washington, Houston, and Atlanta, are now topping their divisions. Detroit? They’re world-beaters now and used to be the NFL’s version of Guantanamo Bay. Why? Because those franchises woke up, hired people who knew what they were doing and got out of their way. Meanwhile, we’re over here with ownership, a president, an actress GM, and a coaching staff making us the joke of the NFL.
Sure, Caleb has issues—he overthrows, holds the ball too long, misreads—but how much of that is on him? There’s no O-line, a running game that comes and goes, and a staff that looks like they’re trying to decipher Chinese. The play-calling? It feels like it was stolen from a 12-year-old’s Madden playbook in rookie mode.
Watching Caleb crumble in real time is brutal. And what do we get from ownership? After each loss, an email telling us to buy more Bears merchandise. Are you fucking serious? Just sell the damn team already. This shit is beyond repair.
The McCaskeys chose this mess. They picked this actress GM, this coach, this “scouting” team. And we’re supposed to believe that, in 104 years of NFL history, this is the best they could fucking find and hire?
Even my girlfriend—who, by the way, looks adorable in Bears gear and supports my insanity—watched this last disaster with me. She doesn’t know X’s and O’s, but after a few plays, she turned to me and said, “Why can’t these guys block anyone?” And that’s it right there. Even a casual observer can see it. “Your friends aren’t really good at football,” she said. Hurts, but she’s not wrong.
So how the fuck was this team built? Drafted and signed by people who either don’t know or don’t care. And here’s the kicker—Eberlose, we see your horseshit. That halftime interview full of jargon and empty platitudes? Nobody’s buying it. Your S.H.I.T.S. “principles” are precisely what they spell out.
Fuck me, bro, nine more weeks of this. The Bears are going to get peeled like an orange week after week. And once again, I’m screaming the same thing we all shouted on opening day—how the fuck do you draft a QB first overall and then fail to give him an offensive line to protect him?
On to New England. More pain ahead. McCaskeys, do Chicago a favor—sell the team. This Ponzi scheme of mediocrity and bullshit isn’t funny anymore. Wannstedt, Jauron, Emery, Trestman, Fox, Pace, Nagy, this actress GM, Eberlose—it’s the same shit cycle. Chicago and Bears fans around the world deserve better.
Cut the shit and sell the team. We’re done.
As of Today, the Chicago Bears are valued at approximately $6.4 billion.
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