1 Down, 3 to Go: A Bento Box of Bullshit, Delivered Fresh
One win down (goodnight, Eberlose), three more to go until this steaming Bento Box of Bullshit gets hurled into the void where it belongs. Maybe—just maybe—we’ll get a taste of actual football on the way out. But let’s be honest: knowing this franchise, we’ll just end up with more soggy mediocrity and a side of “what the fuck just happened?”
Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving. The Bears? Not so much.
Lions 23, Bears 20
Lions, Bears, oh my! At the start of the season, I told you what to expect: disappointment. Somehow, this team has managed to overdeliver on that prediction. I said we’d be 3-6 by Thanksgiving. Yay, we’re 4-8 instead! Let’s hold off on the confetti, though.
A Bento Box of Bullshit, Wrapped in Ineptitude
The offense? Trash. But to be fair, not all the blame falls on Thomas Brown. Sure, the first-half game plan stunk like expired milk, but adjustments were made. The real issue here? Matt Eberlose.
Actually, scratch that. This dumpster fire has multiple chefs:
Kevin Warren, the bean-counting stadium pimp.
Ryan Poles, the Actress GM.
The McCaskey clown car owners of this franchise.
Let’s break it down:
Penalties? Embarrassing.
Clock management? A joke.
Attention to detail? Nonexistent.
And the offensive line? Fucking terrible. Caleb Williams spent the game doing his best crash test dummy impression. Even Tony Romo couldn’t resist roasting us, pointing out how Caleb was scrambling for his life on almost every snap.
When Caleb took off running in the third quarter, every Bears fan had the same reaction: “Oh no, is he hurt?” Let’s be honest—when your O-line is this bad, it does not matter if your quarterback gets hurt. It’s when.
And then there were the final 30 seconds. What. The. Actual. Fuck.
It was like we were trying to run out the clock for the Lions. Bill Cowher, Tony Romo, and the NFL on Fox crew dragged us across national TV, and they weren’t wrong.
Eberlose: Not Ready Yesterday, Not Ready Today, Not Ready Ever
Finally, it happened: Matt Eberlose is gone.
Let’s not sugarcoat this—that press conference, he never should’ve been hired in the first place. When Bill Polian told the McCaskeys to hire Eberlose, they treated it like gospel. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.
His record? Pure garbage:
2-12 in the NFC North.
0-forever against the Packers.
14-32 overall.
Every big moment? He froze. Clock management? Laughable. Leadership? Nonexistent. The only thing Eberlose ever excelled at was finding creative ways to humiliate this franchise.
Eberlose is like a Madden glitch—you keep mashing buttons, but nothing happens. And then, the McCaskeys let him hold a press conference before they canned him? That’s like giving a participation trophy to the kid who burned down the science lab. What the fuck, bro.
Ryan Poles: The Actress GM
So Eberlose is out, but let’s talk about the guy who brought him here: Ryan Poles.
This dude loves to flex about “building Kansas City.” Here’s the thing: he didn’t. That was John Dorsey and Brett Veach. Poles? He was standing in the back of the room, nowhere near the decision-making table.
And for argument’s sake, let’s say he was the guy who helped build Kansas City. What has he done in Chicago? You gave up compensatory picks for this clown who, in his first draft, selected a Nickel Corner, a Safety, and a Kick Returner with his first three picks—one of whom he already cut, and a Safety who’s mocking the coaching staff from home while resting an injury.
Then, this year, he spent a fourth-round pick on a punter instead of drafting an offensive lineman in one of the most O-line-rich drafts in years. A generational punter? Fuck outta here. You don’t know if he’s the next Ray Guy, but we all know Caleb is getting crushed behind this line. Punters don’t block, bro—offensive linemen do.
Want proof of Poles’ incompetence? Look at his draft record. Name me one elite player. I’ll wait. Caleb? The jury’s still out.
His free-agent signings? Horseshit. This roster isn’t just bad—it’s structurally unsound. And when the team started sliding, where was Poles? Ducking tough questions like a politician caught in a scandal. If you’re so great, then why are you skipping press conferences?
He built this mess. He hired Eberlose. This is on him, too.
Oh Yeah, The Stadium Pimp President
And then there’s Kevin Warren, the shiny new president. Excellent, you’re working on a stadium. Newsflash: nobody gives a shit because the product on the field is garbage.
Fans don’t need a president boasting about 18-hour workdays in some PR puff piece—we need someone in the trenches fixing this disaster of a team. You can’t distract fans with shiny stadium plans when the product on the field is unwatchable.
And by the way, you’re not the only American working long hours, Bro—nobody cares. What this franchise needs isn’t a Finance Bro obsessed with seat licenses—it’s a football guy. Someone who knows how to hire scouts, draft impact players, and build a winning culture.
Stop counting beans and start counting wins—or get the hell out.
The Bottom Line: Sell the Fucking Team
This proud franchise hasn’t sniffed greatness since Ditka. And let’s face it—it never will as long as the McCaskeys are in charge. The leadership sucks, the coaching sucks, the roster sucks, and the fans? We’re stuck here, suffering through the same old shit every season.
If the McCaskeys can’t fix this, it’s time to step aside. The fans deserve better. Chicago deserves better. Sell the fucking team before you bury this franchise for good.
This isn’t just about football. It’s about respect—for the fans, the city of Chicago, and this franchise’s history. We deserve better than this bento box of bullshit, reheated and served fresh every fall.
We're waiting…
